Where is Blueprint Cleanse Day 2 you ask? Let's just say you don't want to know. At one point, I was ready to eat my own fist. It was so not like this last time. I really had a few moments yesterday of just saying the hell with it and eating something. Only one thing stopped me--this cleanse was a lot of money and I couldn't bear to just flush money down the toilet. Maybe that's why it's so expensive so that people will stick it out.
Today was definitely a better day. I hardly thought about food except for 3 or 4 times which I think is pretty good. My energy was good and I had good concentration. I actually accomplished a lot today. I'm looking forward to tomorrow as being even better, and by day 5 I should be experiencing some kind of euphoria. I hope.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Spring Cleaning
Blueprint Cleanse - Day 1
So it’s that time of year again--spring cleaning for the house and for me. I decided once again to do the Blueprint cleanse which is a juice fast that consists of 6 different raw, organic juices per day (4 green, one lemonade and one nut milk)
The juices are really tasty, much better than if you went to the juice bar in a health food store. They mix in just the right amount of lemon and apple in the green juices so it doesn’t taste like you’re drinking dirt and the lemonade (sweetened with agave of course) and the nut milk are really good too.
The whole thing is pretty pricey but they do all the work for you--the juices are labeled by number so you know when to drink what. Now that’s the kind of pampering I’m happy to pay for. No thinking about it, just follow the numbers. You have the option of doing a one day, three day, five day or 10 day cleanse. I did the three day last year and was really nervous about it. I’ve always been afraid to fast. Let’s see, could that be because my mother pounded into my head that if I didn’t eat enough and my blood sugar got too low I would pass out, hit the floor and crack my head open on the hard surface and bleed to death? Correct! So even though I had heard great things about the benefits of fasting, it took me a long time to get up the courage to finally do it. I’m doing the 5 day program this time. Last year I only did the 3 day and I breezed through it. Even though I did a really good preparation: for the last 3 weeks I had no alcohol, sugar,wheat, dairy I was kind of struggling today. I did decide to go to the gym and then take a yoga class which may be why I’m super hungry but hopefully tomorrow will be better.
So what’s up with the juice fast you ask. Well yes, in the whole idea of “spring cleaning” does apply to the body and I suffer with very bad hay fever in the springtime which I knew the cleaning out my diet would help with (especially no alcohol--that is the worst thing to have if you have allergies), but I must say I had a lot of congestion yesterday before I started the juices and today I have no symptoms which is great. I’d just kill for some solid food.
I had a really bad winter food-wise and spent a lot of time eating things I would not normally eat and the whole thing just kind of spiraled out of control. Since overeating behavior has both a physical and psychological component to it, I decided that in addition to addressing the psychological it would be helpful to address the physical.
Here’s the biology: The more sugar and high calorie crap food you eat, the more you want to eat and cleaning out your system makes a lot of the physical cravings go away so that you’re not constantly having to fight the cravings off. I guess it’s kind of like a food intervention. Which I needed desperately. Just something to interrupt the crazy overeating behavior.
I’m thinking about watching some TV but my first thought is, what’s the point if I can’t snack while I do it? I mean I’m going to need to eat something if I have to watch those bitch housewives from New York City. Maybe read a book. I just got Hungry Woman In Paris out of the library. OK, so I won’t start that this week. Maybe just go to bed and I’ll have one day less without eating. I’ll be keeping you posted on my progress for the next few days so check back.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Do You See What I See Part 2
It’s interesting how sometimes how certain themes are just swirling around in the air. My previous blog post (see below) which was about having a hard time taking compliments seems to have generated some interesting e-mails. One of my good friends who (did not happen to read that post) randomly sent me an e-mail today that said:
Slightly off-topic, but I do want to add, that now that Susan Boyle has become well-known, I can accurately describe my own body dysmorphia. She looks very much like the way that I have thought that I look. I have thought like this since sometime in my early to mid 20s. Intellectually, I know that I don't really look like that, but emotionally, that is how I feel, act, and that is how I conduct my life. I live just as though I looked like her. Fortunately, I was raised to believe that looks were far below kindness, talent, brains, and friendliness, and here in the Midwest, this is pretty much true, so I have done well here.
My first thought was, how could the gap between how she looks in person and what she thinks she looks like in person be so huge? And then I thought, well I do the same thing and I just wrote a blog post about it two days ago. It turns out that the post was sent to the friend of my sister-in-law and she responded with this:
This is real life stuff ... and I'm somehow continually amazed at how
our distorted perception of ourselves (and reality) limits us and our place in the world and the many ways in which we can contribute. Thankfully, and somehow mysteriously, we can still make our mark ... but how much more joyful would we be if only we would get it--who we are, and how we're perceived by others.
I’ve been teaching these principles in the workshops that I do with high school girls and certainly my workshops with women and I’m really trying to walk the walk myself.
If only we could see ourselves, our beauty, our wonder, our female exquisiteness...we are all manifestations of the Goddess. How great it would be if we could all be in touch with our divine feminine now; if only we could see our own beauty instead of being startled by it when we look at pictures of ourselves in our younger years. I hear it over and over again: I wish I knew how beautiful I was then, I wish I thought more of myself, I wish I wasn’t thinking I was fat, because I was gorgeous. If only we knew. I had a realization today: the “me” that I look at with disapproval in the mirror today is the “she” that I will think was gorgeous 10 or 20 years from now. As Carly Simon so aptly put it; These are the good old days. And I’ve decided to embrace who I am and what I look like now and to tell that chick staring back at me in the mirror that she’s not going to have to wait 20 years before she hears that she is beautiful. I’m telling her NOW. And you can do the same for yourself.
Every moment of your life, including this one, is a fresh start. -BJ Marshal
Slightly off-topic, but I do want to add, that now that Susan Boyle has become well-known, I can accurately describe my own body dysmorphia. She looks very much like the way that I have thought that I look. I have thought like this since sometime in my early to mid 20s. Intellectually, I know that I don't really look like that, but emotionally, that is how I feel, act, and that is how I conduct my life. I live just as though I looked like her. Fortunately, I was raised to believe that looks were far below kindness, talent, brains, and friendliness, and here in the Midwest, this is pretty much true, so I have done well here.
My first thought was, how could the gap between how she looks in person and what she thinks she looks like in person be so huge? And then I thought, well I do the same thing and I just wrote a blog post about it two days ago. It turns out that the post was sent to the friend of my sister-in-law and she responded with this:
This is real life stuff ... and I'm somehow continually amazed at how
our distorted perception of ourselves (and reality) limits us and our place in the world and the many ways in which we can contribute. Thankfully, and somehow mysteriously, we can still make our mark ... but how much more joyful would we be if only we would get it--who we are, and how we're perceived by others.
I’ve been teaching these principles in the workshops that I do with high school girls and certainly my workshops with women and I’m really trying to walk the walk myself.
If only we could see ourselves, our beauty, our wonder, our female exquisiteness...we are all manifestations of the Goddess. How great it would be if we could all be in touch with our divine feminine now; if only we could see our own beauty instead of being startled by it when we look at pictures of ourselves in our younger years. I hear it over and over again: I wish I knew how beautiful I was then, I wish I thought more of myself, I wish I wasn’t thinking I was fat, because I was gorgeous. If only we knew. I had a realization today: the “me” that I look at with disapproval in the mirror today is the “she” that I will think was gorgeous 10 or 20 years from now. As Carly Simon so aptly put it; These are the good old days. And I’ve decided to embrace who I am and what I look like now and to tell that chick staring back at me in the mirror that she’s not going to have to wait 20 years before she hears that she is beautiful. I’m telling her NOW. And you can do the same for yourself.
Every moment of your life, including this one, is a fresh start. -BJ Marshal
Monday, May 4, 2009
Do You See What I See
I was in the city today running around to appointments and stuff so I was wearing a black dress and boots- definitely more dressed up than usual. At the end of the day, I stopped in for a workout at the gym. The cute little gay boy behind the counter greeted me with, “I love your outfit.” I immediately snapped back “really, I always think I look like a total hag.” He said, “no you don't, I was going to ask you if you work in fashion.” WOW. Now that's a compliment.
I'm always so taken aback when anyone says anything like this to me. I think the shock comes not from the comment but the discrepancy between how I see myself and how others see me. The two points of view could not be farther apart.
I've been thinking a lot about this and I know I'm not alone here. Why is it so difficult for us to see ourselves the way others do?
In the workshops that I do with high school girls, I often give them the following self-esteem building exercise: ask your best friend or one of your close friends to describe how they see you and write down everything that they tell you. I've done this myself and it's incredibly eye opening. My friend Susan said wonderful things about me that I never would have thought about myself. Try it sometime—I guarantee it will make your day.
It will also help to remember these words from Neil Young:
Do not judge yourself too harsh my love or one day you may find your soul endangered.
I'm always so taken aback when anyone says anything like this to me. I think the shock comes not from the comment but the discrepancy between how I see myself and how others see me. The two points of view could not be farther apart.
I've been thinking a lot about this and I know I'm not alone here. Why is it so difficult for us to see ourselves the way others do?
In the workshops that I do with high school girls, I often give them the following self-esteem building exercise: ask your best friend or one of your close friends to describe how they see you and write down everything that they tell you. I've done this myself and it's incredibly eye opening. My friend Susan said wonderful things about me that I never would have thought about myself. Try it sometime—I guarantee it will make your day.
It will also help to remember these words from Neil Young:
Do not judge yourself too harsh my love or one day you may find your soul endangered.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Talk About Magical Thinking
Bingeasarus - one who eats as if their entire food supply is going to be cut off in the very near future. 2. one who eats to protect against the hunger to come. 3. one who eats to try and make up for the hunger in the past
I am certainly number 3. I spent years depriving myself of sweets, bread, and dairy products. My initial impulse was for health reasons. Instead of focusing on the fact that I had made a choice to follow a specific food program, I focused on my feelings of deprivation. Instead of focusing on how much energy I had, I focused on feeling denied the fun foods that everyone else was eating and now there is a part of me that wants retribution. It's payback time people. Do you know how many dozens of brunches I've sat through where I really wanted to order the pancakes or the french toast but never did? I don't even want to count them. Let's just say I ordered the pancakes or French toast 4 times in total. Not very much when you consider the number of breakfasts I have eaten in restaurants.
So two weekends ago I decided that at brunch I would order the pancakes. Here is the progress that I have made with my food issues: a year ago, I would have just bought pancake mix and maple syrup and made the pancakes and eaten them at home. I decided that I could wait and eat them at breakfast like a normal person, so at least I felt good about showing some restraint, but that is where the restraint ended. When the pancakes arrived, there were three of them, each as large as an 8" dinner plate. My first thought was, "I'll never finish those." Famous last words. Even, I marathon eater of the 70's and 80's could not believe I finished them.
Let me just say that this kind of eating is pretty much devoid of pleasure. I was eating the pancakes to make up for deprivation in the past but the irony is that it's two weeks later and it's like the whole thing never happened. Eating the pancakes didn't satisfy anything. I kept thinking I'm going to have to do this a lot to get it out of my system. What???
I can think about what I just said and see how insane it is and how it tells that clearly, none of this is about food--it's about allowance and not feeling left out. It's about saying yes to something and not always being told no.
It's about trying to experience expansion, freedom, and joy in my life by using food as the conduit.
Why don't I just try to start a fire by rubbing two tissues together--or bang my head against a wall in hopes that it will make my painful childhood memories disappear? It's almost like a crazy voodoo. I keep thinking I will have that one perfect meal that undoes all of the bad decisions that I made in the past about food but each time I go to that place, I come up empty handed.
I had an epiphany the other day. What if in the past I was always able to eat whatever I wanted? What if it was all balanced and normal so there was no debt to pay, no retribution to seek, no pleasureable experiences to try and make up for?
There's really nothing to stop me from adopting this idea about my past. I think it will help me tremendously.
I came across a great quote today: "Every momment of your life, including this one, is a fresh start."
I'm going to go with that one.
I am certainly number 3. I spent years depriving myself of sweets, bread, and dairy products. My initial impulse was for health reasons. Instead of focusing on the fact that I had made a choice to follow a specific food program, I focused on my feelings of deprivation. Instead of focusing on how much energy I had, I focused on feeling denied the fun foods that everyone else was eating and now there is a part of me that wants retribution. It's payback time people. Do you know how many dozens of brunches I've sat through where I really wanted to order the pancakes or the french toast but never did? I don't even want to count them. Let's just say I ordered the pancakes or French toast 4 times in total. Not very much when you consider the number of breakfasts I have eaten in restaurants.
So two weekends ago I decided that at brunch I would order the pancakes. Here is the progress that I have made with my food issues: a year ago, I would have just bought pancake mix and maple syrup and made the pancakes and eaten them at home. I decided that I could wait and eat them at breakfast like a normal person, so at least I felt good about showing some restraint, but that is where the restraint ended. When the pancakes arrived, there were three of them, each as large as an 8" dinner plate. My first thought was, "I'll never finish those." Famous last words. Even, I marathon eater of the 70's and 80's could not believe I finished them.
Let me just say that this kind of eating is pretty much devoid of pleasure. I was eating the pancakes to make up for deprivation in the past but the irony is that it's two weeks later and it's like the whole thing never happened. Eating the pancakes didn't satisfy anything. I kept thinking I'm going to have to do this a lot to get it out of my system. What???
I can think about what I just said and see how insane it is and how it tells that clearly, none of this is about food--it's about allowance and not feeling left out. It's about saying yes to something and not always being told no.
It's about trying to experience expansion, freedom, and joy in my life by using food as the conduit.
Why don't I just try to start a fire by rubbing two tissues together--or bang my head against a wall in hopes that it will make my painful childhood memories disappear? It's almost like a crazy voodoo. I keep thinking I will have that one perfect meal that undoes all of the bad decisions that I made in the past about food but each time I go to that place, I come up empty handed.
I had an epiphany the other day. What if in the past I was always able to eat whatever I wanted? What if it was all balanced and normal so there was no debt to pay, no retribution to seek, no pleasureable experiences to try and make up for?
There's really nothing to stop me from adopting this idea about my past. I think it will help me tremendously.
I came across a great quote today: "Every momment of your life, including this one, is a fresh start."
I'm going to go with that one.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Lindsay, Dina, and Me
It seems like the media can only go a couple of months without reporting on the comings and goings of Lindsay Lohan. What is the media’s fascination with her? Oh right, I always forget what’s driving that train--Dina.
I went to high school with Dina Lohan. We were in a dance program together that had only 40 girls. Dina was by far the best dancer and most stunning girl in the bunch. We were all sure that she’d hit Broadway right after graduation and never look back. We were so wrong.
I lost touch with Dina right after the program ended but I found out that she went on to dance with the Rockettes for a short time and soon after marry that sociopath Michael Lohan. She had Lindsay only 4 years after graduating high school. That was the end of the dance career. When I found out the path that her life ended up taking I was shocked. It was incredible to me that so much talent went to waste and it made sense why she had started Lindsay modeling from the time she exited the womb. She dragged that kid to auditions, acting lessons, dance lessons, you name it. She did everything with her that she should have done herself.
It’s a shame that Dina values celebrity more than being an artist. Dina gets a big kick out of being seen in night clubs in New York with Lindsay and telling everyone who doesn’t already know that she’s her mother. Recently she thought it would be a good idea to also add 15 year old Ally into the mix. How many women do you know that take their 15 year olds into clubs with them on a Saturday night?
I’ve always felt a lot of compassion for Lindsay because of knowing the back story about Dina. I can’t imagine the pressure that kid must have been under. In 2006 Vanity Fair did a cover story on Lindsay Lohan with a big interview which ended up being very controversial--especially for me. At that time I was taking my program, Feed Your Soul, Feed Your Body into high schools and colleges to bring awareness to young women of the dangers of obsessive dieting and chasing an unrealistic body size. I wrote a letter to Lindsay (which of course I never sent) that I would read to the girls as part of the workshop. I just came across it the other day. Here it is:
Dear Lindsay,
You don’t know me and we’ll most likely never meet, but I feel like I know you. Everytime I see you face on TV or plastered in People Magazine it brings me back to the performing arts program that I was in with your mother in high school. It’s amazing how much you look like her when she was 17.
Dina was very intimidating--she was an incredible dancer and one of the most gorgeous women I have ever seen--with a body to match. Everytime I saw her it was a reminder of my own shortcomings. I always felt fat and ugly around your mother. Actually I spent most of my adolescence feeling fat and ugly and being around your mother just intensified it. I didn’t feel like I had the right to breathe her air. It’s weird looking back on it now from this perspective, for many years I’ve felt beautiful, sexy and confident, yet when I think back to that time, it’s like I’m right back in high school feeling totally insecure and worthless. I wonder if in addition to the pressure that is put on women in Hollywood about their looks that having such a gorgeous Mom put some pressure on you also.
I was so ecstatic about your admission to Vanity Fair Magazine regarding your recent weight loss and bouts with bulimia. Do you know what a great thing you were doing for the women and girls of this country? My first thought was, “wow, here is a girl who has her head on straight and who is not going to be manipulated by the media. Here is a girl who is a woman who knows and at this young age she knows that it is important for her to tell the truth about her situation.”
I was so proud of you for just being honest in that interview. When we tell the truth about our struggle and stop pretending to be perfect, we reveal our humanity, which helps others embrace theirs and that is what connects us to each other. I believe sharing our personal difficulties in public is a sacred act.
You can imagine my disappointment when you released a statement the day after the magazine hit news stands denying that you said those things to Vanity Fair and that they misquoted you and took things out of context.
For one day I held the belief that maybe the tide is starting to turn. Maybe the women who are so pressured by Hollywood to be stick thin are finally going to speak up one by one about this tyranny. Because if you speak up, that will trickle down and some 12 year old girl may actually think twice before she starts that diet she’s been pondering. I understand that your handlers probably advised you on your recent actions. But could you at least admit that you were too thin and that you didn’t look good?
I’m guessing that when the article came out and you saw how amazing those pictures were that they took of you maybe you thought an admission in print running alongside the photos would somehow detract from those beautiful images.
Lindsay, I have a newsflash for you: thinness is not happiness. It is heartbreaking to me that I’ve only recently been able to grasp this concept. I spent so much time obsessing over my body and trying to lose weight. I’ll never get that time back and I ‘ve dedicated my future to helping the women and girls of the world stop this behavior.
My wish for you is that you someday find yourself with as much courage as you have talent and that you can just be honest about who you are and what you’re struggling with. The world so doesn’t need another pretty face.
cathy
I went to high school with Dina Lohan. We were in a dance program together that had only 40 girls. Dina was by far the best dancer and most stunning girl in the bunch. We were all sure that she’d hit Broadway right after graduation and never look back. We were so wrong.
I lost touch with Dina right after the program ended but I found out that she went on to dance with the Rockettes for a short time and soon after marry that sociopath Michael Lohan. She had Lindsay only 4 years after graduating high school. That was the end of the dance career. When I found out the path that her life ended up taking I was shocked. It was incredible to me that so much talent went to waste and it made sense why she had started Lindsay modeling from the time she exited the womb. She dragged that kid to auditions, acting lessons, dance lessons, you name it. She did everything with her that she should have done herself.
It’s a shame that Dina values celebrity more than being an artist. Dina gets a big kick out of being seen in night clubs in New York with Lindsay and telling everyone who doesn’t already know that she’s her mother. Recently she thought it would be a good idea to also add 15 year old Ally into the mix. How many women do you know that take their 15 year olds into clubs with them on a Saturday night?
I’ve always felt a lot of compassion for Lindsay because of knowing the back story about Dina. I can’t imagine the pressure that kid must have been under. In 2006 Vanity Fair did a cover story on Lindsay Lohan with a big interview which ended up being very controversial--especially for me. At that time I was taking my program, Feed Your Soul, Feed Your Body into high schools and colleges to bring awareness to young women of the dangers of obsessive dieting and chasing an unrealistic body size. I wrote a letter to Lindsay (which of course I never sent) that I would read to the girls as part of the workshop. I just came across it the other day. Here it is:
Dear Lindsay,
You don’t know me and we’ll most likely never meet, but I feel like I know you. Everytime I see you face on TV or plastered in People Magazine it brings me back to the performing arts program that I was in with your mother in high school. It’s amazing how much you look like her when she was 17.
Dina was very intimidating--she was an incredible dancer and one of the most gorgeous women I have ever seen--with a body to match. Everytime I saw her it was a reminder of my own shortcomings. I always felt fat and ugly around your mother. Actually I spent most of my adolescence feeling fat and ugly and being around your mother just intensified it. I didn’t feel like I had the right to breathe her air. It’s weird looking back on it now from this perspective, for many years I’ve felt beautiful, sexy and confident, yet when I think back to that time, it’s like I’m right back in high school feeling totally insecure and worthless. I wonder if in addition to the pressure that is put on women in Hollywood about their looks that having such a gorgeous Mom put some pressure on you also.
I was so ecstatic about your admission to Vanity Fair Magazine regarding your recent weight loss and bouts with bulimia. Do you know what a great thing you were doing for the women and girls of this country? My first thought was, “wow, here is a girl who has her head on straight and who is not going to be manipulated by the media. Here is a girl who is a woman who knows and at this young age she knows that it is important for her to tell the truth about her situation.”
I was so proud of you for just being honest in that interview. When we tell the truth about our struggle and stop pretending to be perfect, we reveal our humanity, which helps others embrace theirs and that is what connects us to each other. I believe sharing our personal difficulties in public is a sacred act.
You can imagine my disappointment when you released a statement the day after the magazine hit news stands denying that you said those things to Vanity Fair and that they misquoted you and took things out of context.
For one day I held the belief that maybe the tide is starting to turn. Maybe the women who are so pressured by Hollywood to be stick thin are finally going to speak up one by one about this tyranny. Because if you speak up, that will trickle down and some 12 year old girl may actually think twice before she starts that diet she’s been pondering. I understand that your handlers probably advised you on your recent actions. But could you at least admit that you were too thin and that you didn’t look good?
I’m guessing that when the article came out and you saw how amazing those pictures were that they took of you maybe you thought an admission in print running alongside the photos would somehow detract from those beautiful images.
Lindsay, I have a newsflash for you: thinness is not happiness. It is heartbreaking to me that I’ve only recently been able to grasp this concept. I spent so much time obsessing over my body and trying to lose weight. I’ll never get that time back and I ‘ve dedicated my future to helping the women and girls of the world stop this behavior.
My wish for you is that you someday find yourself with as much courage as you have talent and that you can just be honest about who you are and what you’re struggling with. The world so doesn’t need another pretty face.
cathy
Friday, April 3, 2009
Valerie, Marie, and Starr
I sat riveted the other day watching the Oprah Winfrey show as she interviewed the 3 skinnies staring down 50: Valerie Bertinelli, Marie Osmond, and Starr Jones. For me the interview with Starr Jones was kind of like watching a car wreck: it’s totally horrifying but you just can’t get yourself to look away.
It was all so hard to watch because I saw myself in these women. They were consumed with self-loathing and body hatred for so long and now here they were “living the dream.”
As they sat there talking about how great they felt and how wonderful their lives were I kept thinking, “what about the part about being hungry all the time? What about the part about structuring your life around your exercise routine? What about the part about not missing a work-out no matter what?
They never got to that part. They just kept going on and on about how euphoric the whole thing was. Let me just say for the record that maintaining a size 6 or under after the age of 35 is serious work. Yes the thrill of being thin either for the first time, or the first time in a long time kind of anesthetizes you but eventually it all wears off and you realize you are tired of being HUNGRY ALL THE TIME and sick of structuring your life around visits to the gym.
I managed to live like this for 10 years and then it occurred to me I hadn’t read a book since I didn’t know when. When I went to school for coaching I realized how much I missed intellectual pursuits and how little time I had for them. I realized that spending so much time exercising my body kept me from doing anything with my mind and being hungry all the time makes you irritable and spacey no matter how many times you check yourself out in the mirror and like what you see.
So now, I’m trying to have more balance and yes, in the interim I have definitely gained some weight but I am so, so much more available for life. And to Valerie, Marie, and Starr I say: eventually the thrill of being thin will wear off and you will have to deal with how out of balance your life has become to maintain your small size. I’m hoping by then, I’ll have my own show and I can tell them how I saw it coming.
It was all so hard to watch because I saw myself in these women. They were consumed with self-loathing and body hatred for so long and now here they were “living the dream.”
As they sat there talking about how great they felt and how wonderful their lives were I kept thinking, “what about the part about being hungry all the time? What about the part about structuring your life around your exercise routine? What about the part about not missing a work-out no matter what?
They never got to that part. They just kept going on and on about how euphoric the whole thing was. Let me just say for the record that maintaining a size 6 or under after the age of 35 is serious work. Yes the thrill of being thin either for the first time, or the first time in a long time kind of anesthetizes you but eventually it all wears off and you realize you are tired of being HUNGRY ALL THE TIME and sick of structuring your life around visits to the gym.
I managed to live like this for 10 years and then it occurred to me I hadn’t read a book since I didn’t know when. When I went to school for coaching I realized how much I missed intellectual pursuits and how little time I had for them. I realized that spending so much time exercising my body kept me from doing anything with my mind and being hungry all the time makes you irritable and spacey no matter how many times you check yourself out in the mirror and like what you see.
So now, I’m trying to have more balance and yes, in the interim I have definitely gained some weight but I am so, so much more available for life. And to Valerie, Marie, and Starr I say: eventually the thrill of being thin will wear off and you will have to deal with how out of balance your life has become to maintain your small size. I’m hoping by then, I’ll have my own show and I can tell them how I saw it coming.
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