I’ve not been posting very frequently because I kind of got into the pattern of writing about pretty intense stuff on my blog and I need to realize that --it’s just a blog and it can be about day to day non-earth shattering realizations once in a while.
So here we are, it’s Friday, August 28th and it’s raining here in NY.
Kind of a drag that’s it’s raining but in a way I’m relieved. Since I don’t have a lap top I’m often confined to my home office in front of my mac staring out the window wondering when I can be done with it so that I can just get out and feel the sun and the air and smell the flowers. So on nice days, I feel a lot of pressure to get finished with my work so that I can get outside. I was supposed to go for training to build my new website today and the class was cancelled which left me with a big block of unscheduled time and I couldn’t be happier.
In my Feed Your Soul, Feed Your Body workshops one of the exercises we do is to make a treat list--things that just thinking about doing them makes you smile. The purpose of this is to identify and/or get back in touch with the things that we used to do for fun and the things we’d like to do to relax if we only had the time. We’re all so busy running around all day that we forget to do nice things for ourselves. It’s such a great way to decompress and just bring some joy into your life--especially when you’re under a lot of stress. The function of this exercise is to achieve some balance. Because if you’re doing one nice thing to take care of yourself each day, you’re a lot less likely to come home from work and plow through a pint of Ben and Jerry’s or drink 5 glasses of wine at dinner and pass out on the couch at 9:00. When we give ourselves the things we really want, we don’t have to “settle for what we can get.” Doing one treat per day for yourself keeps you from getting seriously depleted.
The one item that shows up on my treat list over and over is having a day that is completely unscheduled without a to-do list. It turns out that because of the turn of events, today ended up being one of those days for me--what a gift! I do only what I feel inspired to do and I do it when I want to do it. Can I say that when I take these days I am often way more productive than I am on my “get down to work” days. just the idea that I have 8 or 10 hours to do things in the order that I want to do them and that if I don’t want to continue with something I can just put it away and start on something else is extremely energizing to me. I don’t have to be anywhere and if I get a spontaneous call from a friend to meet for coffee or take a walk I can say yes because I’m deadline free that day. This is the ultimately luxury for me. I have a deep need to create my life minute to minute and something about being on a non-schedule puts me in touch with my deepest creativity and my most powerful thinking.
So dear readers, what’s on your treat list? Here’s a little soul-feeding exercise from Feed Your Soul workshop: Make a list of 10 things that just thinking about doing them makes you smile--they don’t have to be extravagant or cost any money at all. And then do one every day! Keep in mind some of the things on the list can be repeated and some won’t be things you can do very often but it’s good to have a mix. Some of mine are:
taking a jasmine scented bubble bath
instead of the usual lunch break - fire up my favorite play list on my ipod and take a 30 minute walk to a favorite place
Go out for cappuccino and get lost in the latest issue of O Magazine for an hour
call a friend I haven’t spoken to in a long time
Go to a Saturday matinee
Take a drive with my friend Julie in her convertible to no where in particular with the radio blasting.
Go to a fancy hotel bar and have a fancy cocktail after work
I’d love to hear yours!
Friday, August 28, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
I Wish I Were...
I hadn’t given this any thought in a long time--but last week while having dinner with a friend we got to talking about envy. I had almost forgotten about the big destructive fantasy that I carried around for all of my 20’s and most of my 30’s which was that everyone else’s life was easier and more glamorous than mine. There were tons of people having fun, going to parties, walking red carpets, being on soap operas, jetting off to distant locales and I was living in a tiny box on the Upper East Side of Manhattan being a temp secretary and trying to have a dance career. Of course I only compared myself to celebrities or very accomplished people, not the people I came into contact with in my regular life.
I was completely sure that these people’s lives were one delightful moment after the next, everything they did was in the flow and most of all...THE WORLD CAME TO THEM. They didn’t have to ask, chase, pursue, follow up or present. They didn’t do the calling--people called them. “They” just sat around their infinity pools with their friends while their private chefs made organic, low-cal delicious meals for them and waited for the next opportunity to arrive. Kind of like the show Entourage but without the obnoxious Jeremy Piven character.
For years, every time I cleaned my toilet my first thought was : “Look at my fabulous life, cleaning the bathroom! I’ll bet that Jennifer Anniston isn’t cleaning any toilets today!” As a matter of fact the only time she’s even held a toilet bowl brush is when it was being used as a prop. “How come she gets to not have to clean her bathroom and I’m standing here with my arm in the toilet? why her and not me?”
Whose music was I listening to back then? Patti LaBelle. Of course she has an incredible voice but when I played her CD’s I wasn’t focusing on the music but the fabulous life she must be living. What with the legions of adoring fans, the millions of dollars from all the hit records, the concerts, the traveling first class everywhere and then I would think: “when will someone come along and lift me from the bowels of obscurity and release me from my mundane existence!”
A certain NYC psychic that I saw in the 90’s told me when I called to make an appt. that she only had evening slots available. I remember grabbing one even though it was very inconvenient for me and thinking, wow, she’s totally in demand that’s amazing. What must it be like to have your phone ringing off the hook with people who want an appointment with you. When I went to see her, you would have thought that I was not even fit to breathe her air. Not because of the way she acted, because of the way I perceived things.
The scenarios I used to torture myself about other people’s wonderful lives were endless.
Every time I would take the bus down Fifth Avenue I would fantasize about the awesome lives of the people who lived in those buildings and I would think, “if only I could live in one of those apartments one day.”
We’ve all heard the Rolling Stones lyric: “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.” I had the great fortune of being a personal trainer to the very rich. I didn’t plan it that way, it just happened. I got to hang out in those sprawling Fifth Avenue and Park Avenue apartments that I envied from the street. What was going on inside them was nothing like what I had imagined. I saw a lot of misery behind those facades .
One of my clients who lived in a beautiful penthouse apartment was also the author of a very spiritual book. I had read the book before I met her and actually had wondered about what an incredible life she must have living in a fabulous Manhattan penthouse and being a rich and famous author.
My fantasy of what her life was and the reality of what her life was could not have been more different. The first thing I got to learn was that even though her book was meant to heal and enlighten, she was very depressed and angry about her own life. She was constantly giving workshops in her apartment and renting rooms out to student boarders because she was so terrified about money. She ate the same dinner almost every night. A yam and a salad. She didn’t go out to dinner even though she could well afford it because she was socially awkward and didn’t really enjoy spending time with other people. She took three subways out to Queens every Thursday to spend the day with her elderly mother. She had terrible relationships with her children. Basically, she was a hot mess.
I worked with a lot of other people living what appeared to be beautiful lives of privilege that were actually very unhappy existences.
If you look at Jennifer Anniston’s life as a whole, she’s got a great career but I’m sure now that she’s 40 she’d trade it all to have someone to come home to every night.
The NYC psychic I later found out through a mutual friend, only had evening appointments because she worked during the day as a receptionist in a Dr.’s office. She eventually got divorced and had to move out of her swanky loft in tribeca.
Patti LaBelle endured the tragedy of losing her three sisters to cancer. She was diagnosed with diabetes in 1995 and in 2000 divorced her husband of 30 years. Last year she had a melt down on stage at one of her concerts.
I wouldn’t want to trade places with any of these women.
What I learned after taking the blinders off:
There is no such thing as a free ride.
Anything worth having takes a lot of sacrifice and hard work.
Money and fame are the biggest enablers of addiction.
There’s no such thing as an overnight sensation--no one ever talks about the 10 years the person worked at their craft before they finally got a break.
Don’t ever judge anyone’s situation, you never know what’s REALLY going on.
Everyone, I mean EVERYONE is struggling with something.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said “Envy is ignorance.” My Mother often reminded me to be thankful for all the things I don’t have that I don’t want. Turns out that they’re both absolutely right.
I was completely sure that these people’s lives were one delightful moment after the next, everything they did was in the flow and most of all...THE WORLD CAME TO THEM. They didn’t have to ask, chase, pursue, follow up or present. They didn’t do the calling--people called them. “They” just sat around their infinity pools with their friends while their private chefs made organic, low-cal delicious meals for them and waited for the next opportunity to arrive. Kind of like the show Entourage but without the obnoxious Jeremy Piven character.
For years, every time I cleaned my toilet my first thought was : “Look at my fabulous life, cleaning the bathroom! I’ll bet that Jennifer Anniston isn’t cleaning any toilets today!” As a matter of fact the only time she’s even held a toilet bowl brush is when it was being used as a prop. “How come she gets to not have to clean her bathroom and I’m standing here with my arm in the toilet? why her and not me?”
Whose music was I listening to back then? Patti LaBelle. Of course she has an incredible voice but when I played her CD’s I wasn’t focusing on the music but the fabulous life she must be living. What with the legions of adoring fans, the millions of dollars from all the hit records, the concerts, the traveling first class everywhere and then I would think: “when will someone come along and lift me from the bowels of obscurity and release me from my mundane existence!”
A certain NYC psychic that I saw in the 90’s told me when I called to make an appt. that she only had evening slots available. I remember grabbing one even though it was very inconvenient for me and thinking, wow, she’s totally in demand that’s amazing. What must it be like to have your phone ringing off the hook with people who want an appointment with you. When I went to see her, you would have thought that I was not even fit to breathe her air. Not because of the way she acted, because of the way I perceived things.
The scenarios I used to torture myself about other people’s wonderful lives were endless.
Every time I would take the bus down Fifth Avenue I would fantasize about the awesome lives of the people who lived in those buildings and I would think, “if only I could live in one of those apartments one day.”
We’ve all heard the Rolling Stones lyric: “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.” I had the great fortune of being a personal trainer to the very rich. I didn’t plan it that way, it just happened. I got to hang out in those sprawling Fifth Avenue and Park Avenue apartments that I envied from the street. What was going on inside them was nothing like what I had imagined. I saw a lot of misery behind those facades .
One of my clients who lived in a beautiful penthouse apartment was also the author of a very spiritual book. I had read the book before I met her and actually had wondered about what an incredible life she must have living in a fabulous Manhattan penthouse and being a rich and famous author.
My fantasy of what her life was and the reality of what her life was could not have been more different. The first thing I got to learn was that even though her book was meant to heal and enlighten, she was very depressed and angry about her own life. She was constantly giving workshops in her apartment and renting rooms out to student boarders because she was so terrified about money. She ate the same dinner almost every night. A yam and a salad. She didn’t go out to dinner even though she could well afford it because she was socially awkward and didn’t really enjoy spending time with other people. She took three subways out to Queens every Thursday to spend the day with her elderly mother. She had terrible relationships with her children. Basically, she was a hot mess.
I worked with a lot of other people living what appeared to be beautiful lives of privilege that were actually very unhappy existences.
If you look at Jennifer Anniston’s life as a whole, she’s got a great career but I’m sure now that she’s 40 she’d trade it all to have someone to come home to every night.
The NYC psychic I later found out through a mutual friend, only had evening appointments because she worked during the day as a receptionist in a Dr.’s office. She eventually got divorced and had to move out of her swanky loft in tribeca.
Patti LaBelle endured the tragedy of losing her three sisters to cancer. She was diagnosed with diabetes in 1995 and in 2000 divorced her husband of 30 years. Last year she had a melt down on stage at one of her concerts.
I wouldn’t want to trade places with any of these women.
What I learned after taking the blinders off:
There is no such thing as a free ride.
Anything worth having takes a lot of sacrifice and hard work.
Money and fame are the biggest enablers of addiction.
There’s no such thing as an overnight sensation--no one ever talks about the 10 years the person worked at their craft before they finally got a break.
Don’t ever judge anyone’s situation, you never know what’s REALLY going on.
Everyone, I mean EVERYONE is struggling with something.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said “Envy is ignorance.” My Mother often reminded me to be thankful for all the things I don’t have that I don’t want. Turns out that they’re both absolutely right.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Transforming Difficulty
The emotional weather report this summer is much like the weather we've been having--cool and rainy with intermittent storms. I'm hearing about a lot of people having a hard time and going through major transitions physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
And for all of you who feel like life is pushing you to your limit or find yourself in a situation that is the opposite of what you want for yourself --I have some advice that I know will carry you through: yield.
When two forces collide the victory goes to the one who yields.- Lao Tzu
When life throws us a curve ball there are only two choices of action: resist or yield. The definition of the word yield is to give up or surrender oneself to the situation--also the definition of the word acceptance. By yielding you allow the natural flow and can then work with life instead of against it. Yielding doesn't mean you love the situation, it means that you accept it, and only when you accept something can you work through it.
I've spent a lot of time in my life on the road of resistance--thinking I could fight my way out of the circumstances that I was in; thinking that if I got angry and bitter enough, the universe would see the injustice of it all and transform the situation. What I didn't understand was that the transformation comes from going through the difficulties and learning to embody the qualities whose absence make the situation a painful one. I wasted a lot of valuable energy resisting things I had no power over instead of looking for the lessons that those circumstances had come to teach me.
I now understand that hardship is a potent and powerful teacher. I also know that it brings you to places in yourself you never would have found otherwise and dare I say that it's not only yielding and accepting the difficult but embracing it as you would a beloved teacher. Because in fact, that's exactly what it is.
This is my favorite passage from Letters to A Young Poet by Ranier Maria Rilke
We have no reason to mistrust our world, for it is not against us. Has it terrors, they are our terrors: has it abysses, those abysses belong to us; are there dangers at hand, we must try to love them. And if only we arrange our life according to that principle which counsels us that we must always hold to the difficult, then that which now still seems to us most alien will become what we most trust and find most faithful. How should we be able to forget those ancient dragons that at the last moment turn into princesses: perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible in its deepest being is something helpless that wants help from us.
And for all of you who feel like life is pushing you to your limit or find yourself in a situation that is the opposite of what you want for yourself --I have some advice that I know will carry you through: yield.
When two forces collide the victory goes to the one who yields.- Lao Tzu
When life throws us a curve ball there are only two choices of action: resist or yield. The definition of the word yield is to give up or surrender oneself to the situation--also the definition of the word acceptance. By yielding you allow the natural flow and can then work with life instead of against it. Yielding doesn't mean you love the situation, it means that you accept it, and only when you accept something can you work through it.
I've spent a lot of time in my life on the road of resistance--thinking I could fight my way out of the circumstances that I was in; thinking that if I got angry and bitter enough, the universe would see the injustice of it all and transform the situation. What I didn't understand was that the transformation comes from going through the difficulties and learning to embody the qualities whose absence make the situation a painful one. I wasted a lot of valuable energy resisting things I had no power over instead of looking for the lessons that those circumstances had come to teach me.
I now understand that hardship is a potent and powerful teacher. I also know that it brings you to places in yourself you never would have found otherwise and dare I say that it's not only yielding and accepting the difficult but embracing it as you would a beloved teacher. Because in fact, that's exactly what it is.
This is my favorite passage from Letters to A Young Poet by Ranier Maria Rilke
We have no reason to mistrust our world, for it is not against us. Has it terrors, they are our terrors: has it abysses, those abysses belong to us; are there dangers at hand, we must try to love them. And if only we arrange our life according to that principle which counsels us that we must always hold to the difficult, then that which now still seems to us most alien will become what we most trust and find most faithful. How should we be able to forget those ancient dragons that at the last moment turn into princesses: perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible in its deepest being is something helpless that wants help from us.
Monday, July 13, 2009
After watching the clip of Elizabeth Gilbert’s talk at the 2009 TED conference on nurturing creativity, I was totally inspired... and very surprised. Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Eat, Pray, Love had a profound effect on my life. I remember being totally awed by the fact that this woman could drop out of life completely and go in search of herself abroad. If I could have taken any one of those three journeys for even of the fraction of the time she did I would have been ecstatic. I had been longing for years to take a sojourn inward and just be with myself. I wanted desperately to unplug and go somewhere and ponder and write with no distractions and no interruptions. For many years this was my burning desire. So to say that I envied Elizabeth Gilbert would be putting it mildly. Not only did she get to take one year off to travel and immerse herself in foreign culture, she found the love of her life, came to terms with herself, and wrote about it in a book that sold 1.5 million copies. If that’s not “having it all” I don’t know what is.
You can imagine my surprise when I listened to the lecture from the conference. She presents a very interesting and poignant theory about how to better manage the creative process and confesses that she had to do some research on this topic to manage her own difficulties since her book has been published. “What difficulty could you possibly be referring to Elizabeth?” Being mobbed at book signings or getting recognized at the supermarket? Such problems, I wish I had them. No, she’s talking about the possibility that at 40 years old she had already done her best work and that it’s all downhill from here. She’s currently in the process of trying to write her next book but instead has found herself fighting for her creative life. Who would have thought that finally arriving meant coming to terms with the most painful aspect of the artist’s life: that you’ve already said everything that you’re going to say, that anything you do from this point on will always fall short of what you did before. Not exactly the tools of inspiration and as she says in the lecture the reason why many a young artist succumbs to self-destruction.
So I thank you Elizabeth Gilbert for being so public with your struggle because now instead of envying you, I feel for you and I am reminded that we’re all struggling...with something. We may be in different places on the ladder but the difficulties are no less painful the further up you go. We never really arrive. There’s always more to do. It’s all a process. And as the Buddhists have been saying all these years: there is no there, only here.
You can imagine my surprise when I listened to the lecture from the conference. She presents a very interesting and poignant theory about how to better manage the creative process and confesses that she had to do some research on this topic to manage her own difficulties since her book has been published. “What difficulty could you possibly be referring to Elizabeth?” Being mobbed at book signings or getting recognized at the supermarket? Such problems, I wish I had them. No, she’s talking about the possibility that at 40 years old she had already done her best work and that it’s all downhill from here. She’s currently in the process of trying to write her next book but instead has found herself fighting for her creative life. Who would have thought that finally arriving meant coming to terms with the most painful aspect of the artist’s life: that you’ve already said everything that you’re going to say, that anything you do from this point on will always fall short of what you did before. Not exactly the tools of inspiration and as she says in the lecture the reason why many a young artist succumbs to self-destruction.
So I thank you Elizabeth Gilbert for being so public with your struggle because now instead of envying you, I feel for you and I am reminded that we’re all struggling...with something. We may be in different places on the ladder but the difficulties are no less painful the further up you go. We never really arrive. There’s always more to do. It’s all a process. And as the Buddhists have been saying all these years: there is no there, only here.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
45 Lessons That Life Taught Me
This was a column from The Plain Dealer in Ohio written by Regina Bret. Just a little something to make you stop and think...
45 Lessons That Life Taught Me
1. Life isn't fair,but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate,resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret,you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Saturday, July 4, 2009
In any competitive situation, whoever has the least interest, has the most power.
When I read this quote, it just about knocked me over.
The quote is from The Joy Diet by Martha Beck What’s funny is that I had been working on a blog post for the last couple of weeks about want. You know, the things you have buried so deep in your consciousness they’ve practically disappeared? Those things that if you were able to have/acheive them, would give you a sense of peace/accomplishment/contentment? Those things that if you had them, would make your heart sing? Notice you don’t ever tell them to anyone, least of all yourself.
As a life coach I always begin by asking my clients what they want in the different areas of their lives. The process of coaching is an inquiry into want, but want is also a vehicle. It is our desire for various things in life that propels us into action. Whether it’s the desire for something (money)or the desire to keep something from happening (losing our jobs) desire is the prime mover. Yet, it is so difficult to articulate our wants. I’ve noticed that most people are either afraid of them or they have spent so many years denying them that they can’t even locate their desires. Helping people to identify their wants and lay down a plan for actually getting them is to me the most rewarding thing I can do.
In any competitive situation, whoever has the least interest, has the most power.
The quote is referring to the basis of all Buddhist doctrine which is the concept of detachment. Detachment is a rough concept to grasp. Wanting something, doing everything in your power to make it happen, but letting go of the outcome takes a lot of discipline. Holding on too tightly to the outcome causes tension and impedes performance. Professional athletes aren’t focused on winning when they compete, it’s focused on playing the game to the best of their ability.
There’s a movie in theaters right now that is a documentary about the casting of the 2004 revival of A Chorus Line. In the movie Rachelle Rak, who is a veteran broadway performer is up for the role of Sheila. If you know the show, Sheila is the provocative, somewhat bitter, sexy, older dancer whose quick wit is ready with a comeback at any moment. Rachelle could not be more right for the part. In the course of the movie there are many interviews with the dancers who are being considered for roles. In one of the interviews Rachelle comes right out and says that she doesn’t want to let herself think about getting the role because she doesn’t want to have to experience the devastation she will feel if she doesn’t get it. It is clear that she is afraid of her wanting.
One of the pivotal scenes of the movie takes place during the final call backs, eight months after the first audition. There have been numerous dance and vocal auditions and it is finally the end of the line. Now it is down to yes or no. Unfortunately it is a “no” for Rachelle. When her agent tells her the news, she doesn’t even flinch. She made some flip comment like “you have no idea how Broadway wants me, you have no idea” and took her things and left. No emotion, no tears, no nothing. HER REACTION WAS SO SHIELA.
Why do we think if we pretend not to want something that we really want that it will somehow lessen the hurt when we don’t get it?
What Rachelle did has nothing to do with detachment--as a matter of fact it was just the opposite. She didn’t just want the role--she needed the role. Her entire career was riding on it. Wants are tricky. You need to know what you want and go after it, but then you have to let go of the outcome. It requires serious trust; trust that if you don’t get what you want there’s a really good reason--or there’s something better coming down the path. It’s a careful dance this one of manifestation. You need to know when to push and when to let go.
When I read this quote, it just about knocked me over.
The quote is from The Joy Diet by Martha Beck What’s funny is that I had been working on a blog post for the last couple of weeks about want. You know, the things you have buried so deep in your consciousness they’ve practically disappeared? Those things that if you were able to have/acheive them, would give you a sense of peace/accomplishment/contentment? Those things that if you had them, would make your heart sing? Notice you don’t ever tell them to anyone, least of all yourself.
As a life coach I always begin by asking my clients what they want in the different areas of their lives. The process of coaching is an inquiry into want, but want is also a vehicle. It is our desire for various things in life that propels us into action. Whether it’s the desire for something (money)or the desire to keep something from happening (losing our jobs) desire is the prime mover. Yet, it is so difficult to articulate our wants. I’ve noticed that most people are either afraid of them or they have spent so many years denying them that they can’t even locate their desires. Helping people to identify their wants and lay down a plan for actually getting them is to me the most rewarding thing I can do.
In any competitive situation, whoever has the least interest, has the most power.
The quote is referring to the basis of all Buddhist doctrine which is the concept of detachment. Detachment is a rough concept to grasp. Wanting something, doing everything in your power to make it happen, but letting go of the outcome takes a lot of discipline. Holding on too tightly to the outcome causes tension and impedes performance. Professional athletes aren’t focused on winning when they compete, it’s focused on playing the game to the best of their ability.
There’s a movie in theaters right now that is a documentary about the casting of the 2004 revival of A Chorus Line. In the movie Rachelle Rak, who is a veteran broadway performer is up for the role of Sheila. If you know the show, Sheila is the provocative, somewhat bitter, sexy, older dancer whose quick wit is ready with a comeback at any moment. Rachelle could not be more right for the part. In the course of the movie there are many interviews with the dancers who are being considered for roles. In one of the interviews Rachelle comes right out and says that she doesn’t want to let herself think about getting the role because she doesn’t want to have to experience the devastation she will feel if she doesn’t get it. It is clear that she is afraid of her wanting.
One of the pivotal scenes of the movie takes place during the final call backs, eight months after the first audition. There have been numerous dance and vocal auditions and it is finally the end of the line. Now it is down to yes or no. Unfortunately it is a “no” for Rachelle. When her agent tells her the news, she doesn’t even flinch. She made some flip comment like “you have no idea how Broadway wants me, you have no idea” and took her things and left. No emotion, no tears, no nothing. HER REACTION WAS SO SHIELA.
Why do we think if we pretend not to want something that we really want that it will somehow lessen the hurt when we don’t get it?
What Rachelle did has nothing to do with detachment--as a matter of fact it was just the opposite. She didn’t just want the role--she needed the role. Her entire career was riding on it. Wants are tricky. You need to know what you want and go after it, but then you have to let go of the outcome. It requires serious trust; trust that if you don’t get what you want there’s a really good reason--or there’s something better coming down the path. It’s a careful dance this one of manifestation. You need to know when to push and when to let go.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Call Them Out!
I had an interesting conversation with a close friend yesterday. While we don’t get to speak all that much there is such a deep connection between the two of us that I often feel like we’re living parallel lives but not necessarily in synch. Our world views and life philosophies are very much the same and thus our interpretations of what happens in our lives and our reactions to things tend to be similar--she totally gets me and I totally get her.
She is in between a business that she started which dissolved very quickly and trying to figure out what she should do next for work. There are a lot of options open to her, she just has to decide what direction she wants to go in. Of course it’s easy for me, being on the outside of the situation to make a pithy assessment of everything but she’s having a rough time of it. I’ve been down the road she’s on--the road of having to reinvent myself and create something from nothing. Anyone who has their own business is often in the business of creating something from nothing and let me tell you, it 's exhausting. My friend being the brilliant writer that she is had a great analogy for what she’s been feeling--she said she’s got too much “drag.” Drag is a technical term for one of the aerodyamic forces that acts on an airplane. When there’s too much drag on a plane, it won’t take flight. Right away I had a visceral sensation of being dragged down as she began to name the elements that make up her drag. I’ve been having my own challenges lately and feeling pretty stuck and got me thinking about what my “drag” is... At first I could not think of one single thing but after I gave it some time here’s what I came up with:
The belief that manifesting anything is difficult.
The belief that I don’t have the capability to accomplish the things I need to and I can’t get anyone to help me.
The belief that there is always something in the way of getting what I want.
The belief that there is always something that I have to fix about myself or some life circumstance that I have to overcome before I can be happy.
I cannot tell you what a relief it was to just name these things. Such a simple exercise yet there’s something about calling these things out into the light of day where I can see them that totally deflates them. I really wasn’t aware of the degree that these beliefs were affecting my life. Knowing what they are is the first step to changing them. When I stopped to think about it, I realized that most of these things aren’t even true. They’re something that my psyche has constructed to keep me stressed out and terminally unhappy--states that I had grown accustomed to living in in the past and my brain was just doing its thing to recreate what’s familiar.
Looking at my drag was like that scene in The Wizard Of Oz when Dorothy finally gets the ruby slippers and is told that the thing she’s been most afraid of (the wicked witch of the west) no longer has any power over her.
My plan for next time I get together with Jean is for both of us to put our drag on the table, out in the open. Name it, look at it, let it go and in doing so take away its power. I invite you my dear readers to comment and in those comments, throw your “drag” on the table as a way of letting go of old things that no longer serve you and while you do repeat after Glinda, “You have no power here, now be gone!
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