Bingeasarus - one who eats as if their entire food supply is going to be cut off in the very near future. 2. one who eats to protect against the hunger to come. 3. one who eats to try and make up for the hunger in the past
I am certainly number 3. I spent years depriving myself of sweets, bread, and dairy products. My initial impulse was for health reasons. Instead of focusing on the fact that I had made a choice to follow a specific food program, I focused on my feelings of deprivation. Instead of focusing on how much energy I had, I focused on feeling denied the fun foods that everyone else was eating and now there is a part of me that wants retribution. It's payback time people. Do you know how many dozens of brunches I've sat through where I really wanted to order the pancakes or the french toast but never did? I don't even want to count them. Let's just say I ordered the pancakes or French toast 4 times in total. Not very much when you consider the number of breakfasts I have eaten in restaurants.
So two weekends ago I decided that at brunch I would order the pancakes. Here is the progress that I have made with my food issues: a year ago, I would have just bought pancake mix and maple syrup and made the pancakes and eaten them at home. I decided that I could wait and eat them at breakfast like a normal person, so at least I felt good about showing some restraint, but that is where the restraint ended. When the pancakes arrived, there were three of them, each as large as an 8" dinner plate. My first thought was, "I'll never finish those." Famous last words. Even, I marathon eater of the 70's and 80's could not believe I finished them.
Let me just say that this kind of eating is pretty much devoid of pleasure. I was eating the pancakes to make up for deprivation in the past but the irony is that it's two weeks later and it's like the whole thing never happened. Eating the pancakes didn't satisfy anything. I kept thinking I'm going to have to do this a lot to get it out of my system. What???
I can think about what I just said and see how insane it is and how it tells that clearly, none of this is about food--it's about allowance and not feeling left out. It's about saying yes to something and not always being told no.
It's about trying to experience expansion, freedom, and joy in my life by using food as the conduit.
Why don't I just try to start a fire by rubbing two tissues together--or bang my head against a wall in hopes that it will make my painful childhood memories disappear? It's almost like a crazy voodoo. I keep thinking I will have that one perfect meal that undoes all of the bad decisions that I made in the past about food but each time I go to that place, I come up empty handed.
I had an epiphany the other day. What if in the past I was always able to eat whatever I wanted? What if it was all balanced and normal so there was no debt to pay, no retribution to seek, no pleasureable experiences to try and make up for?
There's really nothing to stop me from adopting this idea about my past. I think it will help me tremendously.
I came across a great quote today: "Every momment of your life, including this one, is a fresh start."
I'm going to go with that one.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Lindsay, Dina, and Me
It seems like the media can only go a couple of months without reporting on the comings and goings of Lindsay Lohan. What is the media’s fascination with her? Oh right, I always forget what’s driving that train--Dina.
I went to high school with Dina Lohan. We were in a dance program together that had only 40 girls. Dina was by far the best dancer and most stunning girl in the bunch. We were all sure that she’d hit Broadway right after graduation and never look back. We were so wrong.
I lost touch with Dina right after the program ended but I found out that she went on to dance with the Rockettes for a short time and soon after marry that sociopath Michael Lohan. She had Lindsay only 4 years after graduating high school. That was the end of the dance career. When I found out the path that her life ended up taking I was shocked. It was incredible to me that so much talent went to waste and it made sense why she had started Lindsay modeling from the time she exited the womb. She dragged that kid to auditions, acting lessons, dance lessons, you name it. She did everything with her that she should have done herself.
It’s a shame that Dina values celebrity more than being an artist. Dina gets a big kick out of being seen in night clubs in New York with Lindsay and telling everyone who doesn’t already know that she’s her mother. Recently she thought it would be a good idea to also add 15 year old Ally into the mix. How many women do you know that take their 15 year olds into clubs with them on a Saturday night?
I’ve always felt a lot of compassion for Lindsay because of knowing the back story about Dina. I can’t imagine the pressure that kid must have been under. In 2006 Vanity Fair did a cover story on Lindsay Lohan with a big interview which ended up being very controversial--especially for me. At that time I was taking my program, Feed Your Soul, Feed Your Body into high schools and colleges to bring awareness to young women of the dangers of obsessive dieting and chasing an unrealistic body size. I wrote a letter to Lindsay (which of course I never sent) that I would read to the girls as part of the workshop. I just came across it the other day. Here it is:
Dear Lindsay,
You don’t know me and we’ll most likely never meet, but I feel like I know you. Everytime I see you face on TV or plastered in People Magazine it brings me back to the performing arts program that I was in with your mother in high school. It’s amazing how much you look like her when she was 17.
Dina was very intimidating--she was an incredible dancer and one of the most gorgeous women I have ever seen--with a body to match. Everytime I saw her it was a reminder of my own shortcomings. I always felt fat and ugly around your mother. Actually I spent most of my adolescence feeling fat and ugly and being around your mother just intensified it. I didn’t feel like I had the right to breathe her air. It’s weird looking back on it now from this perspective, for many years I’ve felt beautiful, sexy and confident, yet when I think back to that time, it’s like I’m right back in high school feeling totally insecure and worthless. I wonder if in addition to the pressure that is put on women in Hollywood about their looks that having such a gorgeous Mom put some pressure on you also.
I was so ecstatic about your admission to Vanity Fair Magazine regarding your recent weight loss and bouts with bulimia. Do you know what a great thing you were doing for the women and girls of this country? My first thought was, “wow, here is a girl who has her head on straight and who is not going to be manipulated by the media. Here is a girl who is a woman who knows and at this young age she knows that it is important for her to tell the truth about her situation.”
I was so proud of you for just being honest in that interview. When we tell the truth about our struggle and stop pretending to be perfect, we reveal our humanity, which helps others embrace theirs and that is what connects us to each other. I believe sharing our personal difficulties in public is a sacred act.
You can imagine my disappointment when you released a statement the day after the magazine hit news stands denying that you said those things to Vanity Fair and that they misquoted you and took things out of context.
For one day I held the belief that maybe the tide is starting to turn. Maybe the women who are so pressured by Hollywood to be stick thin are finally going to speak up one by one about this tyranny. Because if you speak up, that will trickle down and some 12 year old girl may actually think twice before she starts that diet she’s been pondering. I understand that your handlers probably advised you on your recent actions. But could you at least admit that you were too thin and that you didn’t look good?
I’m guessing that when the article came out and you saw how amazing those pictures were that they took of you maybe you thought an admission in print running alongside the photos would somehow detract from those beautiful images.
Lindsay, I have a newsflash for you: thinness is not happiness. It is heartbreaking to me that I’ve only recently been able to grasp this concept. I spent so much time obsessing over my body and trying to lose weight. I’ll never get that time back and I ‘ve dedicated my future to helping the women and girls of the world stop this behavior.
My wish for you is that you someday find yourself with as much courage as you have talent and that you can just be honest about who you are and what you’re struggling with. The world so doesn’t need another pretty face.
cathy
I went to high school with Dina Lohan. We were in a dance program together that had only 40 girls. Dina was by far the best dancer and most stunning girl in the bunch. We were all sure that she’d hit Broadway right after graduation and never look back. We were so wrong.
I lost touch with Dina right after the program ended but I found out that she went on to dance with the Rockettes for a short time and soon after marry that sociopath Michael Lohan. She had Lindsay only 4 years after graduating high school. That was the end of the dance career. When I found out the path that her life ended up taking I was shocked. It was incredible to me that so much talent went to waste and it made sense why she had started Lindsay modeling from the time she exited the womb. She dragged that kid to auditions, acting lessons, dance lessons, you name it. She did everything with her that she should have done herself.
It’s a shame that Dina values celebrity more than being an artist. Dina gets a big kick out of being seen in night clubs in New York with Lindsay and telling everyone who doesn’t already know that she’s her mother. Recently she thought it would be a good idea to also add 15 year old Ally into the mix. How many women do you know that take their 15 year olds into clubs with them on a Saturday night?
I’ve always felt a lot of compassion for Lindsay because of knowing the back story about Dina. I can’t imagine the pressure that kid must have been under. In 2006 Vanity Fair did a cover story on Lindsay Lohan with a big interview which ended up being very controversial--especially for me. At that time I was taking my program, Feed Your Soul, Feed Your Body into high schools and colleges to bring awareness to young women of the dangers of obsessive dieting and chasing an unrealistic body size. I wrote a letter to Lindsay (which of course I never sent) that I would read to the girls as part of the workshop. I just came across it the other day. Here it is:
Dear Lindsay,
You don’t know me and we’ll most likely never meet, but I feel like I know you. Everytime I see you face on TV or plastered in People Magazine it brings me back to the performing arts program that I was in with your mother in high school. It’s amazing how much you look like her when she was 17.
Dina was very intimidating--she was an incredible dancer and one of the most gorgeous women I have ever seen--with a body to match. Everytime I saw her it was a reminder of my own shortcomings. I always felt fat and ugly around your mother. Actually I spent most of my adolescence feeling fat and ugly and being around your mother just intensified it. I didn’t feel like I had the right to breathe her air. It’s weird looking back on it now from this perspective, for many years I’ve felt beautiful, sexy and confident, yet when I think back to that time, it’s like I’m right back in high school feeling totally insecure and worthless. I wonder if in addition to the pressure that is put on women in Hollywood about their looks that having such a gorgeous Mom put some pressure on you also.
I was so ecstatic about your admission to Vanity Fair Magazine regarding your recent weight loss and bouts with bulimia. Do you know what a great thing you were doing for the women and girls of this country? My first thought was, “wow, here is a girl who has her head on straight and who is not going to be manipulated by the media. Here is a girl who is a woman who knows and at this young age she knows that it is important for her to tell the truth about her situation.”
I was so proud of you for just being honest in that interview. When we tell the truth about our struggle and stop pretending to be perfect, we reveal our humanity, which helps others embrace theirs and that is what connects us to each other. I believe sharing our personal difficulties in public is a sacred act.
You can imagine my disappointment when you released a statement the day after the magazine hit news stands denying that you said those things to Vanity Fair and that they misquoted you and took things out of context.
For one day I held the belief that maybe the tide is starting to turn. Maybe the women who are so pressured by Hollywood to be stick thin are finally going to speak up one by one about this tyranny. Because if you speak up, that will trickle down and some 12 year old girl may actually think twice before she starts that diet she’s been pondering. I understand that your handlers probably advised you on your recent actions. But could you at least admit that you were too thin and that you didn’t look good?
I’m guessing that when the article came out and you saw how amazing those pictures were that they took of you maybe you thought an admission in print running alongside the photos would somehow detract from those beautiful images.
Lindsay, I have a newsflash for you: thinness is not happiness. It is heartbreaking to me that I’ve only recently been able to grasp this concept. I spent so much time obsessing over my body and trying to lose weight. I’ll never get that time back and I ‘ve dedicated my future to helping the women and girls of the world stop this behavior.
My wish for you is that you someday find yourself with as much courage as you have talent and that you can just be honest about who you are and what you’re struggling with. The world so doesn’t need another pretty face.
cathy
Friday, April 3, 2009
Valerie, Marie, and Starr
I sat riveted the other day watching the Oprah Winfrey show as she interviewed the 3 skinnies staring down 50: Valerie Bertinelli, Marie Osmond, and Starr Jones. For me the interview with Starr Jones was kind of like watching a car wreck: it’s totally horrifying but you just can’t get yourself to look away.
It was all so hard to watch because I saw myself in these women. They were consumed with self-loathing and body hatred for so long and now here they were “living the dream.”
As they sat there talking about how great they felt and how wonderful their lives were I kept thinking, “what about the part about being hungry all the time? What about the part about structuring your life around your exercise routine? What about the part about not missing a work-out no matter what?
They never got to that part. They just kept going on and on about how euphoric the whole thing was. Let me just say for the record that maintaining a size 6 or under after the age of 35 is serious work. Yes the thrill of being thin either for the first time, or the first time in a long time kind of anesthetizes you but eventually it all wears off and you realize you are tired of being HUNGRY ALL THE TIME and sick of structuring your life around visits to the gym.
I managed to live like this for 10 years and then it occurred to me I hadn’t read a book since I didn’t know when. When I went to school for coaching I realized how much I missed intellectual pursuits and how little time I had for them. I realized that spending so much time exercising my body kept me from doing anything with my mind and being hungry all the time makes you irritable and spacey no matter how many times you check yourself out in the mirror and like what you see.
So now, I’m trying to have more balance and yes, in the interim I have definitely gained some weight but I am so, so much more available for life. And to Valerie, Marie, and Starr I say: eventually the thrill of being thin will wear off and you will have to deal with how out of balance your life has become to maintain your small size. I’m hoping by then, I’ll have my own show and I can tell them how I saw it coming.
It was all so hard to watch because I saw myself in these women. They were consumed with self-loathing and body hatred for so long and now here they were “living the dream.”
As they sat there talking about how great they felt and how wonderful their lives were I kept thinking, “what about the part about being hungry all the time? What about the part about structuring your life around your exercise routine? What about the part about not missing a work-out no matter what?
They never got to that part. They just kept going on and on about how euphoric the whole thing was. Let me just say for the record that maintaining a size 6 or under after the age of 35 is serious work. Yes the thrill of being thin either for the first time, or the first time in a long time kind of anesthetizes you but eventually it all wears off and you realize you are tired of being HUNGRY ALL THE TIME and sick of structuring your life around visits to the gym.
I managed to live like this for 10 years and then it occurred to me I hadn’t read a book since I didn’t know when. When I went to school for coaching I realized how much I missed intellectual pursuits and how little time I had for them. I realized that spending so much time exercising my body kept me from doing anything with my mind and being hungry all the time makes you irritable and spacey no matter how many times you check yourself out in the mirror and like what you see.
So now, I’m trying to have more balance and yes, in the interim I have definitely gained some weight but I am so, so much more available for life. And to Valerie, Marie, and Starr I say: eventually the thrill of being thin will wear off and you will have to deal with how out of balance your life has become to maintain your small size. I’m hoping by then, I’ll have my own show and I can tell them how I saw it coming.
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